Mommy’s ego got clawed by a bear today

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Dear kyna,
Let me tell you a story about managing expectations.

Today i failed an interview for a role in a project. It hits me hard on my ego.

My parents raised me to become a role model for my brothers.  I had to be successful,  had to align to certain stereotypes that are bestowed upon me as the first-born.  It was difficult,  sure i rebelled and had a few fall-outs but at the end of the day i have always worked towards achieving something in my life.

Be it top 5 of the class,  admitted into respectable high school, getting accepted into the best university,  graduated early with cum laude, working in a very reputable company and so on.

I’ve been carrying a very high standard for myself.  In work, i don’t settle for “consistent ” – that’s a sign of a so so performance in my company ; means you don’t work your ass off, you don’t stand out from the crowd,  people don’t know who you are.

Likewise,  my clients commanded me for my good job, i always passed my interview for project’s roles (well.. With a few note about my driving attitude – we’ll talk about it in other letter). The point is, I’m a high performer and i have a very high expectations for myself.

Coming back to the opening,  i failed an interview today. The client was looking for a specific requirement and i wasn’t the perfect fit. I was upset – it hits me hard in my ego! This is not normal for me and i had to time stamp it.

Please bear in mind,  given the nature of my upbringing,  i too will have a high set of expectations for you. I love you and i want you to be successful in life. For that to happen,  i might be required to push you to the limit, to force you do things you don’t like for your own sake, i want you to have a high performing mentality, be it at playground,  kindergarten,  school,  university,  and work.

I want you to be competitive and constantly ask yourself, “is this the best way to do it”. I want you to uphold these values that i hold dear.

However,  i don’t want you to inherit my cockiness, my inability to accept defeat, and my grandiose ego.

I want you to be able to face rejection or defeat in a graceful way. I don’t know how to teach you this yet,  because I’m still learning myself. But i promise we’ll work it out before you enter kindergarten heheh..

I’m still pissed though – let me vent my anger elsewhere hahah..

Love,
Mommy

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Falling Down

There is no greater warrior than a mother protecting her child – N. K. Jemisin

Kyna,

the date was November 15th 2014. The time was 7.30 pm. It was your grandfather’s birthday. It also marks the day when you first fell down.

We’re not talking about you falling down from trying to stand up when your tiny little feet can’t hold your weight properly. No, we’re not talking about you falling down to the mattress out of exhaustion from trying to crawl.

I’m talking about you falling down from our ~75cm bed to the ground – a cold hard concrete.

I was out to the bathroom when i left you with your dad. He said it would be okay to look after you, but apparently he fell asleep. I heard your distinctive cry as i exited the bathroom, and there you are crying uncontrollably. You were looking for me.

As soon as i hugged you, you threw up – all the milk that you drank from me before i went to the bathroom. Your dad looked at me with an empty stare, telling me that you had fell down.

My heart sunk! It’s been 8 months we’re trying to guard you so that you are free from this kind of harm. I could not imagine what’s the impact of this falling down to your development, whether you broke something, whether you had a concussion, whether you will develop any bruises.. I was gasping for air as you seemed to experience the most excruciating pain you’ve had in 8 months of your lifetime outside my womb.

I was not happy and immediately gave your dad a day stare as i asked him how did you fell down. He didn’t have the answer as he was sleeping when you fell. I could not console you and you kept crying because i didn’t know which part that hurts. We took you to the hospital’s ER. You were asleep in my arms.

You were awake when i put you down for examination, but thankfully you want to drink the milk this time. According to preliminary check, you seemed okay. No head trauma, no broken bones, your hips seemed fine, your legs seemed fine, your neck seemed fine, your head was able to move back and forth in a crawling position, but we need to observe you for 24 hours to check for possible sway in your behavior.

You had a hard time falling asleep the following day, i had to curl and hug you all the time – it was fine. I see a swelling on the right side of your head, and a potential bruise on your back and next to your left eye. I pray to God that nothing happened.

Now you seemed to be okay again, you drink, you eat, you laugh, you’re back to your crawling and standing shenanigans and I am a bit relieved. I still need to continue to watch over you to see any sign of different behavior.


You see, it really is difficult for me to see you hurt, to see you cry, to see you in pain.

As a mother, i would never want to see you being hurt or in pain. Please note that if I ever grow to become one hell of an overprotective mother, it’s in my blood. It’s in my nature to be protective of you. It’s in my nature to wanting to ward off any harm from you as much as I can. It will seem ridiculous and impractical at times (at least i used to think of my parents that way when they tried to be over protective), but you need to know that this world is full of bad things, terrible people, horrible challenges and things don’t always be in your favor.

Whenever I am around, I will be your shield against everything that wants to put you down. But you need to be mindful that I won’t always be around – God knows when I will be called up – in that time, I want you to be strong for yourself. I want you to be able to avoid danger as much as you can, and when you’re faced with it, please be smart enough to assess the danger – when you can confront it or when you need to get the hell out.

Young lady, I want you to be a strong person. I want you to be able to face challenges and diversity that lie ahead of you. I want you to be able to pick yourself up and dust yourself off whenever you fall down. In the meantime, before you’re able to do it yourself, I’ll make sure that you won’t be falling anytime soon.

P.S. We’ve changed our mattress so now it’s only 10 cm away from the ground 🙂

I love you kid!

Mommy

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Fat mommy and healthy Kyna

Dear Kyna,
I had a conversation with one of my colleagues yesterday.
She has a body issue. She weighs less than 55kgs and still thinks she needs to lose 10 more kgs.
Apparently her mother has always told her that she has to be skinny, very pretty and appearance is the most important thing. Although when that means her daughter develops an eating disorder.

So I paused there..

Then I reflect at the way my mother – your grandma – raised me.
I was born a healthy normal baby. When I was 3 months old I weaned myself off from breastfeeding because your grandma was already pregnant again with your twin uncles. So she started to fed me other foods – lots of them – due to the fear that I wasn’t getting enough nutritions. I was on a constant vitamins until I turned into chubby, fat toddler.

This overfeeding comtinues until high school and I hit 85 kgs at my peak.
Then due to stress, I started to develop a combination of serious gastric problem and eating disorder. I threw up everytime I ate – that was when I stopped eating rice. During college years, I gradually lost my weight until I reached 53 kgs at my low. I was skinny back then – it’s very easy to feel my hipbone.

Then I dated your dad and started working for Accenture. I was happy – very happy, then I started to eat more and more and more. 5 years later I’m back to my 70 kgs weight. I didn’t look very fat because I still exercise.

During my pregnancy I gained 21 kgs and I’m now at 81 kgs, really fat and I need to cut down my food consumption as soon as I finished breastfeeding you.

Let me tell you this, girls will always have body issues, concerns for not appearing attractive. I know that at one point in your life, you will develop this kind of thinking. I won’t blame you, kid.. It is normal.

But what I want you to know that you don’t need to fuss about it.
I’ll work with you to find the healthy ways for you to maintain balanced body weight.

I promise you I won’t overfeed you. I promise you I will send you to swimming classes, basketball classes, football classes, martial arts, anything that makes you fit and active. I don’t want you to turn into an overweight toddler, just like me. I don’t want to instill unhealthy lifestyle and junk food regime that my parents put me through.

But I’m asking you for one thing, don’t look at magazine and assume you have to be as skinny as the supermodels. That’s my daughter, is not healthy. We’ll figure out your healthy weight based on your age and height, but I don’t want you to be stressed about it.

It’s okay to have a few fat tissues, afterall you need fats to function as a proper human being.

And never forget that I love you mp matter what, fat or skinny, short or tall, tan or fair, short hair or long hair, whatever.. Because you’re my daughter and I would give up my world just to make you happy.

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See? You’re not fat at all 🙂

Mommy loves you very much Kyna!

Hugs,
Mommy