2015 – oh.. the odd year..


Dear Kyna,

i know it’s way too late to welcome the 2015. But this is literally my first letter for you this year, so that’ll do ๐Ÿ™‚

Let me begin with I had real fun with 2014.. The following are just several good things happened last year:

  • You! Needless to say that you are my perfect little bundle of joy. 2014 has been filled with crazy times, wonderful times, sad times, depressing times, exhilarating times – everything i went through with you.. I really hope i can carry forward all of the happiness to 2015 and beyond. I love you Kyna!


  • Arsenal finally won a silverware – an FA cup. Anybody who knows me knows that your mom is a huge Arsenal fans! We had a huge Arsenal flower arrangements, Arsenal themed pre-wedding pictures, Arsenal ice carvings and Arsenal welcome standing banner at MY WEDDING. Yes, you read that right, I had all those shenanigans at my wedding and your dad just pretty much went along with it. This great team has not been earning any silverware since the 2004-2005 season! You have know idea how ecstatic I was when they finally won a cup – the drought has finally ended. I’ll write more about Arsenal in my letters in the future, because you HAVE TO BE an Arsenal fans as well ๐Ÿ™‚

Arsenal FA Cup 2014

source: http://www.arsenal.com – Arsenal’s official page

  • Germany national team won the world cup! Two football events listed here; you’ll get that i’m an avid fan of football (well, to say that i’m an avid fan is really an understatement *chuckles*).. World cup is a very important event whereby all the great teams from around the world gather in a month long tournament normally stretched along June and July, once every 4 years (there is a Euro tournament in between) and everybody, including those who don’t normally pay attention to football, celebrate the event. Your grandparents introduced me to football, or rather world cup, in 1994 when world cup was held in 1994 (i think that was when the US folks open their eyes to the real football, not the american football that has nothing to do with foot). I immediately liked ‘Der Panzer’ – the nickname for Germany national team. They didn’t do well in 1998, but they came very close as a runner up in 2002 when Brazil defeated them. They ended up in 3rd position in 2006 and 2010 (i really thought they would won the cup in 2010; i had a heartbreak period for over a week when they lost in semi final), and finally claimed the throne in 2014.

Germany 2014

source: http://www.mirror.co.uk

  • I came to term with my maturity as a mother. I was a very individualistic human being and never puts anything above myself. Everything changed with your birth, i finally understand my mother better, i finally understand what it feels like to love someone else with all my heart, above all else. Thanks, Kyna!

I had lots of great fun in 2014. What will 2015 bring?

I began 2015 with a big skepticism.. I had several bad experiences duringย odd years, while event years generally gave me happier outlook, well.. except for 2007. I’ll reserve the story for other time.

It’s already the 3rd week of 2015 and you’re down with a fever caused by a viral infection. It’s a grim outlook for now, but i hope things will start to pick up from now on.

Talk to you later Kyna..



I’ve got a bad news for you: you’re turning orange!

Dear Kyna,
Last time i wrote about your explosive diarrhea. Turned out it was a fungal infections combined with a possible allergic reaction to cow’s milk derivatives. But that was not the highlight.

We went again to your pediatrician to consult. I started to tell her about your daily intake. I mentioned giving you two types of food on a daily basis – fruit (a combination of orange and papaya) and mashed steamed rice (combined with olive oil, pumpkin, meat or fish, zucchini, red pepper, carrot, cheese and butter – believe me, it smells like lasagna sometimes! )

Then your pediatrician made a remarks “oh that’s why she looks orange” like it’s something normal to say. Gosh! I don’t think you look orange!

Long story short, you have Hypervitaminosis, which is a condition when you have too many vitamins in your system. In this case, it’s the karotin. Supposedly it’s good for your eyesight,  but it also gives you orangey pigmentation. She said it’s from papaya, pumpkin and carrot.

If i don’t want you to turn into a Garfield or a Tigger (look it up in Google hahah), i have to stop feeding you those things. I’m pretty much doomed because you love those 3! Now i have to find other ingredients that you’ll like but are not orange :mrgreen:


Down with the sickness

Dear Kyna,
When your grandpa texted me at 6.49pm saying that you’re a bit warm, i thought he was just being this overly protective gramps as he always does. I told her I’m coming back soon. However, the traffic was pretty much a mess here in Jakarta.

I arrived at almost 8.30pm – you were being fed with mashed rice i cooked this morning. You looked happy as you greeted me with your lovely smile.

You immediately hopped into my chest. I feel warm – literally. I took your temperature – 36.9 Celsius – I’m pretty worried.

Our maid told me you pooped 7 times today, add it to the 3 times you’ve had this morning makes it 10 times – i was shocked. Then she told me you vomited this afternoon. I immediately called the hospital to check if you’re pediatrician is available tomorrow. She is. I’m definitely driving you there tomorrow – gotta skip my morning meeting.

Not long after,  you showed the signs of being sleepy – very fussy, yawning, sulking and brushing against your nose. I fed you and you started to look very drowsy. But then you puked. Oh shit!

I cleaned you and changed your clothing, but as soon as i lifted you up, you had an explosive diarrhea. Gosh, that’s the eleventh time you pooped today, for crying out loud!

You look a bit pale and less energetic than your usual self. It’s really disheartening for me to see you in such conditions.


I really hope you get well soon so we can play like we used to. I hope it’s nothing serious and just a normal – easily curable baby disease. Please get well soon kyna! I can’t wait to have you crawl on my tummy as usual.

Mommy loves you!


Emotional Distress

Dear Kyna,
Currently I’m caught in the middle. I’m stressed by something that will impact our lives.

There has been a chain of events that lead to an awkward situation that i can’t tell just yet.

I know you can feel me being very worried last night – i noticed you did not have a sound sleep. I know you can sense that something is wrong.

However, the next couple of days would be elemental in our future lives. I might be forced to choose options that will impact our lives from here on.

I hope nothing happens. I hope everything just come back to normal. I hope i can make the best choice when I’m forced to. I’m praying hard to God that my worst nightmare does not come to life. I hope people can just put the differences behind. I hope whatever choice i will make does not make your life difficult. I hope i can relieve this burden soon.

I need you to know that whatever happens, however life will take us, whatever future lies ahead of us, i will always love you. I will try my best to put you first. I will try my best to give you the life that you deserve. Pinky promise!


Mommy’s ego got clawed by a bear today


Dear kyna,
Let me tell you a story about managing expectations.

Today i failed an interview for a role in a project. It hits me hard on my ego.

My parents raised me to become a role model for my brothers.  I had to be successful,  had to align to certain stereotypes that are bestowed upon me as the first-born.  It was difficult,  sure i rebelled and had a few fall-outs but at the end of the day i have always worked towards achieving something in my life.

Be it top 5 of the class,  admitted into respectable high school, getting accepted into the best university,  graduated early with cum laude, working in a very reputable company and so on.

I’ve been carrying a very high standard for myself.  In work, i don’t settle for “consistent ” – that’s a sign of a so so performance in my company ; means you don’t work your ass off, you don’t stand out from the crowd,  people don’t know who you are.

Likewise,  my clients commanded me for my good job, i always passed my interview for project’s roles (well.. With a few note about my driving attitude – we’ll talk about it in other letter). The point is, I’m a high performer and i have a very high expectations for myself.

Coming back to the opening,  i failed an interview today. The client was looking for a specific requirement and i wasn’t the perfect fit. I was upset – it hits me hard in my ego! This is not normal for me and i had to time stamp it.

Please bear in mind,  given the nature of my upbringing,  i too will have a high set of expectations for you. I love you and i want you to be successful in life. For that to happen,  i might be required to push you to the limit, to force you do things you don’t like for your own sake, i want you to have a high performing mentality, be it at playground,  kindergarten,  school,  university,  and work.

I want you to be competitive and constantly ask yourself, “is this the best way to do it”. I want you to uphold these values that i hold dear.

However,  i don’t want you to inherit my cockiness, my inability to accept defeat, and my grandiose ego.

I want you to be able to face rejection or defeat in a graceful way. I don’t know how to teach you this yet,  because I’m still learning myself. But i promise we’ll work it out before you enter kindergarten heheh..

I’m still pissed though – let me vent my anger elsewhere hahah..


Falling Down

There is no greater warrior than a mother protecting her child – N. K. Jemisin


the date was November 15th 2014. The time was 7.30 pm. It was your grandfather’s birthday. It also marks the day when you first fell down.

We’re not talking about you falling down from trying to stand up when your tiny little feet can’t hold your weight properly. No, we’re not talking about you falling down to the mattress out of exhaustion from trying to crawl.

I’m talking about you falling down from our ~75cm bed to the ground – a cold hard concrete.

I was out to the bathroom when i left you with your dad. He said it would be okay to look after you, but apparently he fell asleep. I heard your distinctive cry as i exited the bathroom, and there you are crying uncontrollably. You were looking for me.

As soon as i hugged you, you threw up – all the milk that you drank from me before i went to the bathroom. Your dad looked at me with an empty stare, telling me that you had fell down.

My heart sunk! It’s been 8 months we’re trying to guard you so that you are free from this kind of harm. I could not imagine what’s the impact of this falling down to your development, whether you broke something, whether you had a concussion, whether you will develop any bruises.. I was gasping for air as you seemed to experience the most excruciating pain you’ve had in 8 months of your lifetime outside my womb.

I was not happy and immediately gave your dad a day stare as i asked him how did you fell down. He didn’t have the answer as he was sleeping when you fell. I could not console you and you kept crying because i didn’t know which part that hurts. We took you to the hospital’s ER. You were asleep in my arms.

You were awake when i put you down for examination, but thankfully you want to drink the milk this time. According to preliminary check, you seemed okay. No head trauma, no broken bones, your hips seemed fine, your legs seemed fine, your neck seemed fine, your head was able to move back and forth in a crawling position, but we need to observe you for 24 hours to check for possible sway in your behavior.

You had a hard time falling asleep the following day, i had to curl and hug you all the time – it was fine. I see a swelling on the right side of your head, and a potential bruise on your back and next to your left eye. I pray to God that nothing happened.

Now you seemed to be okay again, you drink, you eat, you laugh, you’re back to your crawling and standing shenanigans and I am a bit relieved. I still need to continue to watch over you to see any sign of different behavior.

You see, it really is difficult for me to see you hurt, to see you cry, to see you in pain.

As a mother, i would never want to see you being hurt or in pain. Please note that if I ever grow to become one hell of an overprotective mother, it’s in my blood. It’s in my nature to be protective of you. It’s in my nature to wanting to ward off any harm from you as much as I can. It will seem ridiculous and impractical at times (at least i used to think of my parents that way when they tried to be over protective), but you need to know that this world is full of bad things, terrible people, horrible challenges and things don’t always be in your favor.

Whenever I am around, I will be your shield against everything that wants to put you down. But you need to be mindful that I won’t always be around – God knows when I will be called up – in that time, I want you to be strong for yourself. I want you to be able to avoid danger as much as you can, and when you’re faced with it, please be smart enough to assess the danger – when you can confront it or when you need to get the hell out.

Young lady, I want you to be a strong person. I want you to be able to face challenges and diversity that lie ahead of you. I want you to be able to pick yourself up and dust yourself off whenever you fall down. In the meantime, before you’re able to do it yourself, I’ll make sure that you won’t be falling anytime soon.

P.S. We’ve changed our mattress so now it’s only 10 cm away from the ground ๐Ÿ™‚

I love you kid!



Fat mommy and healthy Kyna

Dear Kyna,
I had a conversation with one of my colleagues yesterday.
She has a body issue. She weighs less than 55kgs and still thinks she needs to lose 10 more kgs.
Apparently her mother has always told her that she has to be skinny, very pretty and appearance is the most important thing. Although when that means her daughter develops an eating disorder.

So I paused there..

Then I reflect at the way my mother – your grandma – raised me.
I was born a healthy normal baby. When I was 3 months old I weaned myself off from breastfeeding because your grandma was already pregnant again with your twin uncles. So she started to fed me other foods – lots of them – due to the fear that I wasn’t getting enough nutritions. I was on a constant vitamins until I turned into chubby, fat toddler.

This overfeeding comtinues until high school and I hit 85 kgs at my peak.
Then due to stress, I started to develop a combination of serious gastric problem and eating disorder. I threw up everytime I ate – that was when I stopped eating rice. During college years, I gradually lost my weight until I reached 53 kgs at my low. I was skinny back then – it’s very easy to feel my hipbone.

Then I dated your dad and started working for Accenture. I was happy – very happy, then I started to eat more and more and more. 5 years later I’m back to my 70 kgs weight. I didn’t look very fat because I still exercise.

During my pregnancy I gained 21 kgs and I’m now at 81 kgs, really fat and I need to cut down my food consumption as soon as I finished breastfeeding you.

Let me tell you this, girls will always have body issues, concerns for not appearing attractive. I know that at one point in your life, you will develop this kind of thinking. I won’t blame you, kid.. It is normal.

But what I want you to know that you don’t need to fuss about it.
I’ll work with you to find the healthy ways for you to maintain balanced body weight.

I promise you I won’t overfeed you. I promise you I will send you to swimming classes, basketball classes, football classes, martial arts, anything that makes you fit and active. I don’t want you to turn into an overweight toddler, just like me. I don’t want to instill unhealthy lifestyle and junk food regime that my parents put me through.

But I’m asking you for one thing, don’t look at magazine and assume you have to be as skinny as the supermodels. That’s my daughter, is not healthy. We’ll figure out your healthy weight based on your age and height, but I don’t want you to be stressed about it.

It’s okay to have a few fat tissues, afterall you need fats to function as a proper human being.

And never forget that I love you mp matter what, fat or skinny, short or tall, tan or fair, short hair or long hair, whatever.. Because you’re my daughter and I would give up my world just to make you happy.


See? You’re not fat at all ๐Ÿ™‚

Mommy loves you very much Kyna!