Down with the sickness

Dear Kyna,
When your grandpa texted me at 6.49pm saying that you’re a bit warm, i thought he was just being this overly protective gramps as he always does. I told her I’m coming back soon. However, the traffic was pretty much a mess here in Jakarta.

I arrived at almost 8.30pm – you were being fed with mashed rice i cooked this morning. You looked happy as you greeted me with your lovely smile.

You immediately hopped into my chest. I feel warm – literally. I took your temperature – 36.9 Celsius – I’m pretty worried.

Our maid told me you pooped 7 times today, add it to the 3 times you’ve had this morning makes it 10 times – i was shocked. Then she told me you vomited this afternoon. I immediately called the hospital to check if you’re pediatrician is available tomorrow. She is. I’m definitely driving you there tomorrow – gotta skip my morning meeting.

Not long after,  you showed the signs of being sleepy – very fussy, yawning, sulking and brushing against your nose. I fed you and you started to look very drowsy. But then you puked. Oh shit!

I cleaned you and changed your clothing, but as soon as i lifted you up, you had an explosive diarrhea. Gosh, that’s the eleventh time you pooped today, for crying out loud!

You look a bit pale and less energetic than your usual self. It’s really disheartening for me to see you in such conditions.

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I really hope you get well soon so we can play like we used to. I hope it’s nothing serious and just a normal – easily curable baby disease. Please get well soon kyna! I can’t wait to have you crawl on my tummy as usual.

Mommy loves you!

Hugs,
Mom

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Mommy’s ego got clawed by a bear today

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Dear kyna,
Let me tell you a story about managing expectations.

Today i failed an interview for a role in a project. It hits me hard on my ego.

My parents raised me to become a role model for my brothers.  I had to be successful,  had to align to certain stereotypes that are bestowed upon me as the first-born.  It was difficult,  sure i rebelled and had a few fall-outs but at the end of the day i have always worked towards achieving something in my life.

Be it top 5 of the class,  admitted into respectable high school, getting accepted into the best university,  graduated early with cum laude, working in a very reputable company and so on.

I’ve been carrying a very high standard for myself.  In work, i don’t settle for “consistent ” – that’s a sign of a so so performance in my company ; means you don’t work your ass off, you don’t stand out from the crowd,  people don’t know who you are.

Likewise,  my clients commanded me for my good job, i always passed my interview for project’s roles (well.. With a few note about my driving attitude – we’ll talk about it in other letter). The point is, I’m a high performer and i have a very high expectations for myself.

Coming back to the opening,  i failed an interview today. The client was looking for a specific requirement and i wasn’t the perfect fit. I was upset – it hits me hard in my ego! This is not normal for me and i had to time stamp it.

Please bear in mind,  given the nature of my upbringing,  i too will have a high set of expectations for you. I love you and i want you to be successful in life. For that to happen,  i might be required to push you to the limit, to force you do things you don’t like for your own sake, i want you to have a high performing mentality, be it at playground,  kindergarten,  school,  university,  and work.

I want you to be competitive and constantly ask yourself, “is this the best way to do it”. I want you to uphold these values that i hold dear.

However,  i don’t want you to inherit my cockiness, my inability to accept defeat, and my grandiose ego.

I want you to be able to face rejection or defeat in a graceful way. I don’t know how to teach you this yet,  because I’m still learning myself. But i promise we’ll work it out before you enter kindergarten heheh..

I’m still pissed though – let me vent my anger elsewhere hahah..

Love,
Mommy

Falling Down

There is no greater warrior than a mother protecting her child – N. K. Jemisin

Kyna,

the date was November 15th 2014. The time was 7.30 pm. It was your grandfather’s birthday. It also marks the day when you first fell down.

We’re not talking about you falling down from trying to stand up when your tiny little feet can’t hold your weight properly. No, we’re not talking about you falling down to the mattress out of exhaustion from trying to crawl.

I’m talking about you falling down from our ~75cm bed to the ground – a cold hard concrete.

I was out to the bathroom when i left you with your dad. He said it would be okay to look after you, but apparently he fell asleep. I heard your distinctive cry as i exited the bathroom, and there you are crying uncontrollably. You were looking for me.

As soon as i hugged you, you threw up – all the milk that you drank from me before i went to the bathroom. Your dad looked at me with an empty stare, telling me that you had fell down.

My heart sunk! It’s been 8 months we’re trying to guard you so that you are free from this kind of harm. I could not imagine what’s the impact of this falling down to your development, whether you broke something, whether you had a concussion, whether you will develop any bruises.. I was gasping for air as you seemed to experience the most excruciating pain you’ve had in 8 months of your lifetime outside my womb.

I was not happy and immediately gave your dad a day stare as i asked him how did you fell down. He didn’t have the answer as he was sleeping when you fell. I could not console you and you kept crying because i didn’t know which part that hurts. We took you to the hospital’s ER. You were asleep in my arms.

You were awake when i put you down for examination, but thankfully you want to drink the milk this time. According to preliminary check, you seemed okay. No head trauma, no broken bones, your hips seemed fine, your legs seemed fine, your neck seemed fine, your head was able to move back and forth in a crawling position, but we need to observe you for 24 hours to check for possible sway in your behavior.

You had a hard time falling asleep the following day, i had to curl and hug you all the time – it was fine. I see a swelling on the right side of your head, and a potential bruise on your back and next to your left eye. I pray to God that nothing happened.

Now you seemed to be okay again, you drink, you eat, you laugh, you’re back to your crawling and standing shenanigans and I am a bit relieved. I still need to continue to watch over you to see any sign of different behavior.


You see, it really is difficult for me to see you hurt, to see you cry, to see you in pain.

As a mother, i would never want to see you being hurt or in pain. Please note that if I ever grow to become one hell of an overprotective mother, it’s in my blood. It’s in my nature to be protective of you. It’s in my nature to wanting to ward off any harm from you as much as I can. It will seem ridiculous and impractical at times (at least i used to think of my parents that way when they tried to be over protective), but you need to know that this world is full of bad things, terrible people, horrible challenges and things don’t always be in your favor.

Whenever I am around, I will be your shield against everything that wants to put you down. But you need to be mindful that I won’t always be around – God knows when I will be called up – in that time, I want you to be strong for yourself. I want you to be able to avoid danger as much as you can, and when you’re faced with it, please be smart enough to assess the danger – when you can confront it or when you need to get the hell out.

Young lady, I want you to be a strong person. I want you to be able to face challenges and diversity that lie ahead of you. I want you to be able to pick yourself up and dust yourself off whenever you fall down. In the meantime, before you’re able to do it yourself, I’ll make sure that you won’t be falling anytime soon.

P.S. We’ve changed our mattress so now it’s only 10 cm away from the ground 🙂

I love you kid!

Mommy

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Motherhood rules!

Kyna,
About a week ago, I stumbled on an article in the internet. The article mentioned about women having choices whether they want to experience motherhood or not and how not wanting a baby does not make them any less of a woman..

This article hits me hard.. Why?

The feminist movement has been progressively surfacing. I am a feminist. Your grandma is a feminist. It’s about making sure women have EQUAL rights when compared with men. Keyword is EQUAL – Not less or more worthy. That’s how the so called feminists nowadays get it wrong..

Instead of demanding for equality, they asked for special treatment or priority over men.
It’s like saying I wanted to be paid more because I have a fuckin vagina *excuse my language*

But being equal is not about that – you as a woman still have to earn it. If it is handed to you, then it’s not equal, it’s asking for something when you have not earned it. Please don’t be this kind of woman.

These so called feminists are sending propagandas around the world by saying that as a woman you don’t have to have kids or you don’t have to shave your legs or your armpits or it’s offending if a guy offers to open you a door.

Oh, for fucks sake, it’s called being courteous!!

I was raised as a tomboy, your grandparents didn’t give me special treatment because I was the only girl. I HAD to earn it! I wasn’t allowed to cry because it gets me nowhere. I was brought up to challenge myself, to pressure myself, to pursue my dreams – I was empowered to have options for my life, and they reminded me of the consequences.

I want to raise you that way – to become that kind of feminist..

Coming back to the motherhood choices, when you’re old enough to get married (30plus hahaha), I will tell you that motherhood is a bliss.
Not everyone gets to feel this blessing – I can tell you that there are so many women out there who really want to have kids – but they just can’t – most of the time due to medical reason.

I will encourage you to become a mother when the time is right. Trust me, I hate kids! But having you – my own blueprint – is totally different.

The gift of motherhood is extremely awesome – nothing compares! I never knew I am capable of loving someone this much. Until I was 20 something, I still don’t think I would be a mother. When I watched you sleep, I know I was such a foolish.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that motherhood is awesome. I love you very much and it has changed the way I see this world. Being a mother doesn’t make me a weak person – I am stronger than ever. It would be great if you get to experience the same thing one day 🙂

I promise I’ll try my best to always support you through your adolescence and I’ll make sure you grow up to become the rational feminist – a feminist who demands for something she deserves..

Love,
Mom