Falling Down

There is no greater warrior than a mother protecting her child – N. K. Jemisin

Kyna,

the date was November 15th 2014. The time was 7.30 pm. It was your grandfather’s birthday. It also marks the day when you first fell down.

We’re not talking about you falling down from trying to stand up when your tiny little feet can’t hold your weight properly. No, we’re not talking about you falling down to the mattress out of exhaustion from trying to crawl.

I’m talking about you falling down from our ~75cm bed to the ground – a cold hard concrete.

I was out to the bathroom when i left you with your dad. He said it would be okay to look after you, but apparently he fell asleep. I heard your distinctive cry as i exited the bathroom, and there you are crying uncontrollably. You were looking for me.

As soon as i hugged you, you threw up – all the milk that you drank from me before i went to the bathroom. Your dad looked at me with an empty stare, telling me that you had fell down.

My heart sunk! It’s been 8 months we’re trying to guard you so that you are free from this kind of harm. I could not imagine what’s the impact of this falling down to your development, whether you broke something, whether you had a concussion, whether you will develop any bruises.. I was gasping for air as you seemed to experience the most excruciating pain you’ve had in 8 months of your lifetime outside my womb.

I was not happy and immediately gave your dad a day stare as i asked him how did you fell down. He didn’t have the answer as he was sleeping when you fell. I could not console you and you kept crying because i didn’t know which part that hurts. We took you to the hospital’s ER. You were asleep in my arms.

You were awake when i put you down for examination, but thankfully you want to drink the milk this time. According to preliminary check, you seemed okay. No head trauma, no broken bones, your hips seemed fine, your legs seemed fine, your neck seemed fine, your head was able to move back and forth in a crawling position, but we need to observe you for 24 hours to check for possible sway in your behavior.

You had a hard time falling asleep the following day, i had to curl and hug you all the time – it was fine. I see a swelling on the right side of your head, and a potential bruise on your back and next to your left eye. I pray to God that nothing happened.

Now you seemed to be okay again, you drink, you eat, you laugh, you’re back to your crawling and standing shenanigans and I am a bit relieved. I still need to continue to watch over you to see any sign of different behavior.


You see, it really is difficult for me to see you hurt, to see you cry, to see you in pain.

As a mother, i would never want to see you being hurt or in pain. Please note that if I ever grow to become one hell of an overprotective mother, it’s in my blood. It’s in my nature to be protective of you. It’s in my nature to wanting to ward off any harm from you as much as I can. It will seem ridiculous and impractical at times (at least i used to think of my parents that way when they tried to be over protective), but you need to know that this world is full of bad things, terrible people, horrible challenges and things don’t always be in your favor.

Whenever I am around, I will be your shield against everything that wants to put you down. But you need to be mindful that I won’t always be around – God knows when I will be called up – in that time, I want you to be strong for yourself. I want you to be able to avoid danger as much as you can, and when you’re faced with it, please be smart enough to assess the danger – when you can confront it or when you need to get the hell out.

Young lady, I want you to be a strong person. I want you to be able to face challenges and diversity that lie ahead of you. I want you to be able to pick yourself up and dust yourself off whenever you fall down. In the meantime, before you’re able to do it yourself, I’ll make sure that you won’t be falling anytime soon.

P.S. We’ve changed our mattress so now it’s only 10 cm away from the ground 🙂

I love you kid!

Mommy

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Motherhood rules!

Kyna,
About a week ago, I stumbled on an article in the internet. The article mentioned about women having choices whether they want to experience motherhood or not and how not wanting a baby does not make them any less of a woman..

This article hits me hard.. Why?

The feminist movement has been progressively surfacing. I am a feminist. Your grandma is a feminist. It’s about making sure women have EQUAL rights when compared with men. Keyword is EQUAL – Not less or more worthy. That’s how the so called feminists nowadays get it wrong..

Instead of demanding for equality, they asked for special treatment or priority over men.
It’s like saying I wanted to be paid more because I have a fuckin vagina *excuse my language*

But being equal is not about that – you as a woman still have to earn it. If it is handed to you, then it’s not equal, it’s asking for something when you have not earned it. Please don’t be this kind of woman.

These so called feminists are sending propagandas around the world by saying that as a woman you don’t have to have kids or you don’t have to shave your legs or your armpits or it’s offending if a guy offers to open you a door.

Oh, for fucks sake, it’s called being courteous!!

I was raised as a tomboy, your grandparents didn’t give me special treatment because I was the only girl. I HAD to earn it! I wasn’t allowed to cry because it gets me nowhere. I was brought up to challenge myself, to pressure myself, to pursue my dreams – I was empowered to have options for my life, and they reminded me of the consequences.

I want to raise you that way – to become that kind of feminist..

Coming back to the motherhood choices, when you’re old enough to get married (30plus hahaha), I will tell you that motherhood is a bliss.
Not everyone gets to feel this blessing – I can tell you that there are so many women out there who really want to have kids – but they just can’t – most of the time due to medical reason.

I will encourage you to become a mother when the time is right. Trust me, I hate kids! But having you – my own blueprint – is totally different.

The gift of motherhood is extremely awesome – nothing compares! I never knew I am capable of loving someone this much. Until I was 20 something, I still don’t think I would be a mother. When I watched you sleep, I know I was such a foolish.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that motherhood is awesome. I love you very much and it has changed the way I see this world. Being a mother doesn’t make me a weak person – I am stronger than ever. It would be great if you get to experience the same thing one day 🙂

I promise I’ll try my best to always support you through your adolescence and I’ll make sure you grow up to become the rational feminist – a feminist who demands for something she deserves..

Love,
Mom

Oh Kyna, you’ve grown so fast!!

Dear Kyna,
It has been a real pleasure watching you grow.. You are fun to talk to, you seem to understand the things I’m saying and you’re always be the best part of my day..

It was kind of slow when you were a newborn, because you had limited activities and you don’t really pay attention to the world around you.
And the fact that I had a long extended leave made it seem like a long one.

When you hit the 6 months mark, everything becomes super fast. We’re talking speed of light here.. You’ve grown into a very active baby, very curious, very talkative, very adventurous!
These are the traits that I want you to retain as you grow up 🙂

Here are the things you constantly do now you’re 7 months plus..

Swimming
It started when your pediatrician told me you’re a bit short for baby your age. You were told to go swim at least on a fortnightly basis.
You see, your mom is a highly competitive person, so we bought you a pool, so you can swim twice a week. You love water, but you hated wearing neck ring. It took us a while so you can get used to it. Your firt session was a disaster, with you crying and screaming due to discomfort. But you really love to swim now – you don’t want us to fish you out of the water 🙂

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There you are swimming happily in your pool 🙂

Nom-nom-monster
We fed you when you were 5.5 months. Eversince that, you like to put pretty much everything into your mouth.
The list includes my finger, your dad’s cheek, your grandma’s hair, my necklace, everyone’s phone, your high chair’s arm rest, remote control, my necklace, and even your own foot – pretty much anything handed over to you 🙂

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You’re always very restless during your meal time 🙂

A copycat
You’re like a sponge, quickly absorbing information around you. You like to mimic people’s expressions and what they do. Latest addition includes bursting your own saliva – you were trying to mimic me blowing my lips – close enough!

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Mommy and me time 🙂

Screaming and laughing genuinely
Nothing melts my heart more than the sound of your laughter when I come home. You laugh a lot – probably as much as you pout. You laughed when I interpreted the way you sneeze, you laughed when I pretended not to see you but ended up kissing you, you laughed when I make funny noises..
And you screamed a lot. You screamed when you want to get attention, when you’re happy, whem you’re sleepy, when you’re hungry or when you need to poop.. Hahah..

Keep rolling rolling rolling rolling
You roll know from side to side. It terrifies me because you can reach the edge of the bed in a split second.
It is VERY DANGEROUS, okay?! You’re giving me heart attack on a daily basis now.. They said it’s part of your journey towards crawling and walking.. Let’s hope it’s true 🙂

Sitting at the edge of the world
You can sit now – we have to help you, but you can sit now.
It helps us to take care of you, because it lessen the rolling – so that’s nice.
I really love it when you smile when you sit – such an angelic smile!

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I love you Kyna.. I’m really enjoying this role as your mother.. You’re such a fun to hang out with. I can’t think of anything else more important than you – except for God heheh..

Please don’t grow up so fast.. I love it when you’re clingy to me 🙂

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Love,
Mommy

Feast like a king..! Or a queen hahah..

Dear Kyna,
You’re always curious about everything, especially food. Your eyes will sparkle if you see the grown ups munching on all kind of stuffs. And you’d drool. And I pity you. And we have to hide those glorious foods from you.

So,, I took a decision. I let you taste a food 3 weeks before you turned 6 months.

At first, I let you lick fruits we eat. Mango, banana, apple and pear.

One day, your grandpa was eating a banana. You looked at him as if you really envy him. So I took a small cut, mashed it, and mixed it with my breast milk.

And I fed you.

You loved it 🙂 Eversince that day, you enjoyed all sorts of mashed fruits – banana, mango, dragonfruit.. You hated mashed papaya and apple seemed to be too sour for you.

When you officially turned 6 months, I started mixing various fruits for you.

One of the foods you really liked is the mixture of avocado and baby orange.

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That’s you sitting with a bowl of mashed fruits 🙂 Cute!

It went well, so I started to introduce you to rice and broccoli. Not long after that, you had a constipation. You can’t push it out and I’m pretty sure it hurts like hell. We took you to pediatrician and apparently your intestines can’t take rice yet. We were told to wait until you turn 8 months.

It’s okay. You love fruits anyway 🙂 and it gives you a healthy digestive system!

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That’s you eating with dad – two of mommy’s precious belongings 🙂

I hope you like eating as much as I do hahah.. I’ll cook you all sort of stuffs and I’ll take you to fancy restaurants when you get bigger! Mommy can’t wait! I hope you maintain steady healthy weight gain after swapping to solids.. Talk to you later, my sweet little bug!

Love,
Mommy

Drooling and crawling, it’s SpiderKyna!

Dear Kyna,
Last Friday I was able to get rid of a morning meeting so I could stay at home with you and only left for another meeting at 3.30 pm..

Yeay! That means sleeping in with you, cuddles, giggles and all the good stuffs that come out of enjoying extended time with such a pleasant baby that is you..

After I bathed you, I took my usual 15seconds contemplation of what outfit should you wear today..

You see, your outfit consists off boyish colored shirts, funky onesies and multi colored layettes – I got bored sometimes.. Then I suddenly remembered this particular onesie I bought for you when you were still in my womb – when I was bloated beyond comprehension a.k.a 8 months pregnant (i don’t bother remembering my 9th month – was I a hippo?).. I bought a spiderman suit..

Yes.. Let it sink in..

Yes.. Your mom is a crazy superheroes fan and I have a soft spot for marvel comics.. The moment I saw that spidey jumpsuit, I fell in love.. It was a gamble, but it’s worth the 7 months waiting for you to finally fit into it 🙂

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You’re too cute 🙂

I hope when you read this, Peter Benjamin Parker is still a thing 🙂

Anyway, I posted this in Facebook (if by the time you read this Facebook is no longer around, it’s a social media where you post pictures, poke people, make lame statuses and expecting likes – hahah I know it’s lame). People commented about how crazy I am for dressing you in a spidey suit, instead of a princess dress..

So I asked myself, why? What’s up with this stereotypical female has to wear flowery-ruffled-pinkish-purple-stupid dress with matching leggings to be regarded as pretty?

See your picture above and you still look pretty – not handsome! You are much cooler than those little babies your age who were forced to use uncomfortable fabric with awkward cutting adorned in stupid decorations.. I can’t think of anything comfier than your jumpsuit, really..

As you grow older, this idiotic public opinion bashing girls who put comfort over being pretty would still be around. I’m a living example of how the world thinks I might not be straight just because I was a tomboy..

My messages for you kid:

  1. You don’t have to wear skirts to appear girly. Pants have the same effect if you wear it right.
  2. Being classy is far more important than trying to be pretty but ending up looking trashy.
  3. Makeup ruins your skin if worn extensively and for longer period. Sunscreen is all you need.
  4. Strict inhuman diet is not necessary because it jeopardizes your health. And let me tell you, you don’t deserve guys who only wanted to date skinny bitches.
  5. Being pretty doesn’t translate into wearing pink or purple or pastel color. Look up Audrey Hepburn and see how black makes you look fabulous.
  6. Tiaras and excessive jewelry only make you attractive to robbers.
  7. Revealing too many skins is not beautiful – it’s awful.
  8. Whitening or tanning your skin are not necessary. Same thing goes to plucking your eyebrows, dying your hair, injecting botox, augmenting your breasts or lips or whatever. You don’t want to end up looking like a freak of nature.
  9. Do not compare your appearance or your life with other people. NEVER DO THAT!! It’s alright if you make it a motivation, but never ever obsessed over someone else’s appearance or life.
  10. I will always tell you that you’re beautiful. This is not because you are my daughter, you are indeed a very beautiful girl, and I mean it. Whoever tells you otherwise, tell them to come see me and I’ll make sure that asshole apologizes to you.
  11. I love you Kyna – always and forever!
    Mommy